For some reason, Fox Mulder was no longer played by David Duchovny. Instead, Michael Keaton took on the role. And he’s lecturing Scully in an interrogation room. Quickly thereafter, they go into a hotel room where Scully sees a sheet that’s been written on in blood.
While she’s there, she realizes she’s been hypnotized. This is so terrible that she wails in agony knowing who is responsible. An evil scientist played by James Spader has put her under. And only God knows what he’s had her do.
Fortunately, Keaton has mind powers of his own. He launches a missle strike with his thoughts. The missles move toward the evil scientists’ airplane, which is really more like a space station with wings.
As the missles strike the station, Keaton is talking to Spader. He’s basically telling him he’s going to pay for what he’s done to Scully. Spader’s plane goes down, but is he’s able to escape to pursue his evil agenda again another day.
There were roadblocks in every direction. But he still managed to escape and speed down a winding road leading to a expansive lake. As he grew closer to the lake he found that the water had overtaken the road, forcing him to slam on the brakes. His red car skidded to a stop, and he climbed out to survey the scene.
In the sky, he saw something gleaming and falling fast. It was the size of a snowflake, but he could still make it out over the lake as it descended toward the water. The next thing he knew he was in a submarine with a group of scientists who were all examining that foreign object.
It contained new properties. There was much to learn.
Soon after, a foreign army arrived by boat. They submerged and detonated an atomic bomb. Watching from the shore, our protagonist found that the blast had washed several miles away. When he picked himself up he began searching for a red duffel bag.
Upon finding it, he realized it wasn’t his. It belonged to one of the female scientists. He decided to find her and once he did they would try to make a life together in this strange new world.
Chruck Norris is in a jungle somewhere. He’s stalking an enemy in the hot, humid underbrush until mortar rounds start to hit. Chuck begins to run. He sprints through the jungle until he stops cold. The sound of a nearby mortar is just too close. He shoulders his weapon and scales a tree. He leaps into the air as the bomb hits the earth.
Chuck is catapulted ten stories high. But he’s not hurt. He starts moving through the canopy like Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. He’s flying. From way up there he reaches the edge of the forest and sees several stone buildings off the coast on man-made islands. They’re stone buildings that look vaguely Irish, but he realizes there are Elizabethan theaters inside each one.
After sailing down to the ground, Chruck goes inside. An effeminate secretary informs the shirtless, sweating military man that there is a dress code, but that he’ll let it slide this time. Chuck goes into the back office to find a woman who also looks vaguely Irish. She’s busying herself preparing the stage lighting for her play.
When she turns to see Chuck, he asks her to go to the dance.
The night of the dance, Chuck Norris is nowhere to be found. The Irish brunette is dressed in a pale blue gown. There are ringlets in her hair. If she knows just one thing it’s that Chuck Norris is off somewhere fighting another war. But no! He enters wearing dress blacks. Everyone wants a selfie with Chuck.
It seemed like I was back in college or in high school in an 80’s movie. A group of guys and I go to a grocery store in a bad part of town and one of my friend’s has their Jeep stolen while we’re inside.
We call the cops.
As we wait for them to arrive, somebody orders cheeseburgers. We’re scarfing ’em down when the police get there to start investigating leads.
My friend says he left his keys in the Jeep. This causes some of the cops to start sniggering. What strikes me as odd is that one of the cops is the principal from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. They keep giggling when they see a poster about transgender rights.
I decide I have to do something.
I start to investigate myself and immediately come upon the house where the Jeep has crashed through a fence and rolled down a hill. As if I’m clairvoyant, I see an image of the high schooler who stole the car. He looks like a taller, more muscular Kyle MacLachlan from the movie Dune.
In my vision, I see him shove a guy to the ground after watching him try to swim across a concrete bridge. The curious aspect of this is that all the water is beneath the bridge.
Kyle masterminds a plot that involves killing another high school student and throwing him out of their car to make it look like he was thrown from the Jeep before it rolled down the hill. For some reason, Kyle also plans to use his supernatural powers to raise a new fence out of the ground from where the first one was bent over and broken.
The man–who happened to be a Hugh Grant look-alike–first met the anaconda on a trip to the rainforest. She stalked him on a 1o-day trek through the heart of the Amazon. Somehow he managed to escape the snake’s grasp and the humidity to return home safely.
Unfortunately, unbeknownst to the man, the anaconda kept pursuing him. The snake finally found him swimming alone in a hotel pool. It slithered into the water and wrapped around him. The man panicked, but it was too late. No one heard his screams.
The anaconda was strange in that its stomach came out of his body to envelop the man. It was like a thin, translucent placenta covering the man-child.
The man had traveled to South America with a documentary film crew. They accompanied him to the hotel and had mixed emotions when they encountered the drowned man wrapped up by the giant snake. They were sorry that their on-air talent was dead, but elated that they could capture him being swallowed on film.
The cosmonaut and I became very close on the space station. So close, in fact, that he began to confide in me. He told me he wanted to defect, so I told him he should come “visit” me in America.
After coming to Cape Canaveral, I took him into my home. He wanted to visit an American strip club so I took him to one. The place reeked of bourbon and sweat, but the cosmonaut just laughed. The next thing I knew the cosmonaut had a platinum blonde girlfriend.
He got along better with my neighbors than I did. He practiced his fake American accent while cooking weenies on the grill. His girlfriend brought her two kids over and they played in the pool. It was right around the 4th of July.
Then, early one morning, my wife and I heard the squeal of tires. I ran outside and saw the rubber on the asphalt. I figured the cosmonaut was either free or that he’d been abducted by Vladimir Putin.